Ask Granny, Our Very Own Agony AuntTroubled? Lovelorn? Sad and confused? Inclined to be ridiculous? Don't worry, all your problems will be solved by me, Mrs Lavinia Gigawatt Carruthers - but you can call me Granny... If you need help and advice, just drop dear old Granny a line at granny@littledeadridinghood.com and your troubles will disappear like magic. (Everyone else involved with Little Dead Riding Hood wishes to disassociate themselves from the quality of the advice given here, but don't listen to those spoilsports.) Just keep those e-mails coming!
Dear Granny,
Do you think a mixed relationship can ever work? I am a devoted gothic girl and I have fallen desperately in love with a really lovely boy. He's funny, clever and passionate, not to mention goodlooking - perfect in every way except one. For some reason or other, he's a dedicated skater. My friends think I'm mad to love someone from outside the goth community, and his mates say "Why are you going out with Morticia Addams?" We really love each other but everyone gives us a hard time and they all say it'll never work. Do we have a hope in hell? Granny says: Ah, the eternal story of Romeo and Juliet - "My only love, born of my only hate"...And what a lot of nonsense that was. Drama queens, the pair of them! My dear, we choose our lifestyle - or, if you prefer, it chooses us - to express ourselves and our individuality, not to be bound by imaginary rules. You've chosen to be a goth, you haven't joined a religious cult or enlisted in the gothic army. When I hear about fights between goths and townies, or someone getting beaten up because he's a punk, or a gothic girl who thinks she can't love a skater boy....Well, I grind my dentures in despair. When it comes to love, follow your heart and don't worry about differences. My first husband, the Reverend "Jolly" Goodbody, was a preacher at the Charismatic Tabernacle of Jesus and I certainly got some nasty looks from his congregation when I turned up for services in my rubber corset, fishtail skirt and rather saucy black veil. Yet we were very happy together until his premature death, when he choked on a gherkin after falling into a religious ecstasy too soon after lunch. My second husband, Count Otranto de Bathory, was a much more conventional match for a gothic lady and we had many blissful years until the unfortunate incident with the garden rake. But in my third husband, Mr Carruthers, I had the best of both worlds, as he was Special Envoy to His Holiness the Pope by day and gothic DJ Lucifer Satanheart by night. Such happy, happy memories! If I could make it work with such a motley crew of husbands, why shouldn't you? Ignore your friends and his. If he can love one of the living dead, and you can ignore his silly trousers and his penchant for wearing his hat backwards, I'm sure you'll be very happy together. Dear Granny, I am a 15 year old goth gal with a body of a twenty year old.i am bigger than most other girls of my age at my school,despite being a vegetarian, and i hate it.my mum says to me that i should be thankful for having a body like i do,but i just dont get why i should.i mean,every other gal is a size 0-4,not a 10-13. and their bosoms and butts arent as "voluptuous" as mine are. i am just not sure what to think about my body or myself. Granny says: I also have the body of a 20 year old, but it's hidden under some sacks in the cellar, so we'll say no more about it.... What you must remember, my dear, is that everyone matures at a different rate. If they're lucky, the other girls one day will be as voluptuous as you. Of course, at the moment you feel different to the others and that's never easy - it's always easier to be one of the pack - but take Granny's word for it: It's a good difference! Being curvy and womanly is beautiful. Who was the greatest pin-up of all time? The gorgeous, curvaceous Marilyn Monroe. Why do you think people wear corsets? They want those voluptous bosoms and bottoms! No doubt the under-developed girls secretly envy your figure and you'll find that it is the shape most appealing to a gentleman's eye. Just make sure they don't forget you're only 15. (In fact, don't let anyone expect you to act older than your age. People tend to think that you're older because you're bigger. Don't let them - a good prolonged sulk always helps to remind them that you're a teenager. Or you could announce that you're painting your bedroom black.) So don't try to hide those curves. Celebrate them! Show them off! And ignore the jealousy of those less blessed that you.. Dear Granny, I am a 23 year old man and I've never had a girlfriend. I've met girls that I've liked and who seemed to like me but I've never been able to pluck up the courage to ask any of them out. Recently a new girl has started at the office where I work. She's really nice and quite friendly but a bit shy. I want to ask her out but I'm afraid she'll turn me down. What should I do? Granny says: Get a grip on yourself. Are you a man or a mouse? Ask the girl out! What's the worst that could happen? She could turn you down but that won't kill you. And she could tell your workmates and they could all have a laugh about it...Okay, I see your point. Start off gently. Talk to her, get to know her better, but in a casual, friendly way. (Don't go all creepy and stalkerish, mind.) If you've got a works canteen, buy her a coffee and chat to her in your break. If not, try to attach yourself to her group of pals at the coffee machine and join in the general chat. Try to make her laugh, if you can. Women enjoy a bit of real wit from a man as it's so unexpected. When you do ask her out, make it something less formal than a date. Ask her out for a coffee or, better still, ask her to lunch. Hopefully she'll say yes and, if that goes well, you can move to asking her out for an evening date. Good luck, sonny, and remember - "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Or words to that effect. Dear Granny, How do I find a good man? I have had so many disappointing boyfriends, who seemed nice when I met them but turned out to be selfish, shallow or dull. I need your advice on how to judge a man. Granny says: The most reliable clue to a man's character lies in the way he treats elderly ladies. How does he behave towards his grandmother and her mature female friends? Does he buy his Gran little treats such as smoked salmon, hand-made chocolates and fine Cuban cigars? Does he take her on the sort of excursion an older person might enjoy - to the Chelsea Flower Show, the seaside on a sunny afternoon or the Big Boys Strip-o-Rama Club? Does he remember that an elderly lady's digestion is aided by the occasional nip of whisky? Single malt, of course. 10 year old Glenfiddich, for preference. That's the sort of young man you should be looking for. And when you find him, bring him round here for a visit. Of course, there are other little things you can look for in a man. Does he really listen to you when you're talking, or is he just waiting for his turn to speak? Does he ignore you when his friends are around or does he make sure that you're included in the conversation? Does he have a good attitude to women in general or does he make derogatory remarks about them? Does he have dull hobbies that he wants to talk about at length? If so, is he at least prepared to show an interest in your dull hobbies too? In other words, is he considerate? Is he interesting? Does he treat you like a person or a possession? These are all important points to consider. (But the kindness to old ladies is the most important one!) Dear Granny, I am a chubby gothic female but I'd like to be the pale and slender Mortcia type. My family and friends like me the way I am and my boyfriend has pleaded with me not to diet, but I'm thinking of starting a weight-loss programme. Do you think I should try the Atkins diet? Granny says: Look, girlie, all men like a bit of meat on the bone. They want a normal woman that they can cuddle, not a girlfriend with stick-thin limbs and ribs like a bundle of coat hangers. And they appreciate a generous bosom, you know. I may be ninety-three but I'm proud to say that I can still fill out a corset. There's nothing wrong with eating healthily - plenty of fresh fruit and veg, not too much red meat and cut down on the fat a bit, and you could try a little exercise too. I always like to slip into my sweat bands and trainers and have a vigorous mosh to "Rock The Casbah." Don't get obsessed with your weight though, and don't go in for one of those faddy diets that make you cut out any food groups altogether. Give up my complex carbohydrates? No bloody fear. Yes, on a carbohydrate-restricted diet you can have steak - but with no potatoes? Cream - but with no pie? And what about a nice treacle tart or a big steamed pudding oozing with jam and smothered in custard....Sorry, I've just got to stop and mop up this puddle of drool that seems to have appeared on my keyboard. |
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