Little Dead Riding Hood

Come in and sit down...No, not there. Who told you that could sit in my chair?...That's right, you can perch on the sofa. Make yourself comfortable and I'll teach you some of the lessons that life has taught me. And stop looking at my axe. I don't like it when people look at my axe.

If you can see your neighbours, they can probably see you. Draw the curtains before you embark on the naked dance marathon to the tunes of Siouxsie And The Banshees.
The same applies to spying on your neighbours. Whilst you're watching them through your binoculars, making your notes about their probable membership of Al Qaeda or the Boy Scouts, they are completing their report on your many and varied perversions. Invest in net curtains.
Never wear gloves at a bus stop. The bus will have gone by the time you've clawed the loose change out of your back pocket.
When opening a bottle of sparkling wine, always point it at someone else, never at your own face.
Never buy a dog which needs to be exercised three times a day. The novelty will wear off after a week, and you'll have to endure years of reproachful looks and whining. And that's just from your family. And, remember, that's dog years - seven times longer than human years.
When opening a tin of tomatoes, do it at arm's length. The spots of juice on your t-shirt won't look like blood. They'll look like tomato juice.
If someone rings to say you've won a competition you didn't enter, then you haven't.
Never buy a device for cutting your own hair. If you use it, you'll regret it. If you don't use it, you'll leave it in your bathroom cabinet where your drunken friends will find it after you've passed out.
You may feel the urge to expound upon the profundity of The Cure's lyrics to your Uncle Ernie, whilst he's soaking his feet and eating a pickled onion sandwich, but he won't appreciate it.
Fried bread is good but deep-fried bread, though delicious, is the Devil's work. Buy indigestion tablets.
Beware of toilets at clubs. There will never be any paper, so take a sachet of baby-wipes for your delicate botty. And don't touch anything. Ever.
Everyone has a winning line on a free scratchcard. It will take a £3 phone call to learn that you've won 25p's worth of crap.
If there is a pause after you answer the phone, hang up quickly. It's a call centre and whatever they're selling, you don't want it.
Never play Rammstein to Great-Aunt Vera who still has nightmares about the Blitz.
Never think it can't get worse. It can and will.
After writing an e-mail about the soul-destroying hatefulness of That Bitch Julie, pause before you press "Send." Check you aren't sending it to T.B.J. Ditto text messages.
When your Gran asks you to play "some of the old songs", she doesn't mean "Appetite For Destruction." If you decide it's preferable to her Cilla Black compilation CD, hover near the stereo to turn it down before the line "Why don't you just fuck off?" Or to turn it up when it's time for Gran to leave.
Never answer the door when wearing your helmet of the Horned God, particularly if you've made it yourself, following instructions in Buckland's "Book Of Witchcraft", from a stainless steel pudding basin and glued-on horns. Unless you want to put the wind up the Jehovah's Witnesses.
When choosing new glasses, take a friend with you. There's plain glass in the sample frames, so you can't see what you look like, because you need glasses. Take someone you trust, not someone who has always harboured a secret desire to see you looking like Janet Street-Porter.
Atholl Brose is a yummy drink, made by mixing whisky with honey and porridge oats and leaving it to stand for a couple of weeks, before straining it. Readybrek is not a good substitute for the porridge oats.
Never marry for looks - think of Michael Jackson.
Never marry for money - think of Michael Jackson.
Don't kid yourself that you can put anything edible out of a cat's reach.
If you live on a bus route, remember that the passengers on the upper deck can look into your bedroom window. This is particularly bad if you have a bus stop outside your house, where they have plenty of time to watch you changing your pants.
Always put cold water into the bath before hot.
Don't keep left-overs. You won't eat them, and they will sit festering in the fridge until you have to throw them away with your eyes closed. Or you'll eat them, but only when you're drunk and hungry and they've been a bacterial playground for a couple of weeks.
Never buy a pet for a child. No, they won't feed it. No, they won't exercise it. No, they won't clean up after it. No, they won't get a job to pay for its food.
If you must buy a child's pet, choose a mouse. Minimal housing and diet requirements, short life span. Never be talked into buying two.
Reading too many crime novels makes you suspicious. When you think your dad's destroying evidence when he cleans the car on Sunday morning, it's time to switch to chick lit.
After a few ales, you'll think you're a good dancer. Get someone to video you. Watch the tape when sober.
Don't accept the fifth helping of treacle sponge and custard. You will, but you'll be sorry.
Don't let journalists fool you into thinking you'll pick up some exquisite Victorian lace and a 1930's Coco Chanel original in your local charity shop. What you will get is a beige crimplene dress, a pair of pink shellsuit bottoms with a small coffee stain on the crotch, and an old lady's brushed nylon hat in the shape of half a coconut.
When dancing at a club, you may notice someone behind you seems to be dancing towards you. Never imagine that this is a friend and begin to dance backwards. As your buttocks brush against the other dancer, you'll see your friend grinning inanely at you from the bar.
Never tell a Gardnerian that Old Gerald's "Book Of Shadows" was really written by Aleister Crowley.

Mad Axeman: Lessons Life Has Taught Me